I tried. I promise I did. But I can’t. I have to be prettier. I’ll do anything to be prettier. And I’ll do anything to be happier. I can’t be pretty or happy with recovery. But I’ll. Get there one day. I will be pretty.

So, I failed. I went back to music today. The first song I’ve listened to in over a month was “Saviour” by Black Veil Brides. I would have never imagined that music could be that powerful. I cried for hours on end and as I began to pick up the razor again, I couldn’t. Andy wouldn’t want that. CC wouldn’t want that. Jake and Ash and Jinxx wouldn’t want that. Louis wouldn’t want that. Niall wouldn’t want that. Zayn, Harry, and Liam wouldn’t want that. Demi wouldn’t want that. Ed wouldn’t want that.

My music wouldn’t allow that.

I think I’m done cutting. I’m just going to listen to my saviours. I think- I hope- that I’m gonna be okay. :)

Anonymous: How did it feel like to bleed to death? 

It wasn’t exactly ‘to death’ because I’m sadly still here, but it didn’t hurt. I really only felt relieved. Then I started getting tired. I remember thinking that I would wake up when I heard my mom’s car pull up, because she only went to the store, and then I’d clean up the mess. But I ended up waking up in the hospital.

I’m not so sure I can do this anymore. I just got out of the hospital earlier this morning. They said I quit breathing twice, and if my momma hadn’t found me in time I would have bled out. I cut just a little too deep, yet not deep enough to die. The look in my momma’s eyes, I can’t let her find me like that again. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up this challenge, I just know for sure that there’s no way in hell I’ll last until December. If I don’t go back, I’ll probably be dead before thanksgiving.

I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to prove a point, and giving up this thing I’ve got going isn’t going to prove anything. But I won’t be able to stand living with myself if I don’t succeed again. I’ll hate myself even more after that.

"Never give in." -Black Veil Brides

The question is: Is there a limit for that quote? Is there a line where you just need to finally give in? Let them win for once?

I don’t know…

I just got an Ask.fm account!! If I could get any questions or friends on there I’d love you forever! :)

@AndImJustMe

Anonymous: just try pretteh pretteh pretteh please.. Is there anything I can do to help??? /; 

There’s not actually. I’ve got to try and be strong in my own. I’ll never get anywhere depending on others. I’m sorry, I wish I wasn’t such a disappointment to the world. :(

I haven’t slept in forever. I have the most horrid and darkest bags under my eyes. I look like a damn druggie. I haven’t ate in four weeks. I don’t know what I’m surviving off of. I’ve lost 25 pounds. I should keep skipping meals. Maybe if I could actually sleep I’d be prettier by now.

I didn’t realize the impact music had on my self esteem. Yeah, maybe it was still low, but without having music its gotten worse. Again. I don’t have anybody in my life that tells me I’m perfect the way I am. That’s what Bruno did for me. That’s what Andy, CC, Ashley, Jake, and Jinxx did for me. That’s what Pierce the Veil did for me. That’s what Demi did for me. That’s what One Direction did for me.That’s what Ed did for me.

I have nothing. I am nothing. I shouldn’t be here.

I would never wish death on anybody. Myself not included. I wish I could die daily.

Anonymous: I love you so so much. <3 

Thank you, honestly. That’s the first time in a while I’ve heard that from anybody.

Anonymous: Stay. Please stay. I need you. We all need you. 

:)

Anonymous: Please stay. We love you. 

I’m staying (for now). I’m gonna do my absolute best to stick this out to December. :)

live--optimistically: Hey there(: What's going on?? There are so many people concerned about you! 

Hey! Sorry I haven’t been on in so long. I’m doing this kind of challenge thing where I refuse to do anything to support the music industry. If you look up “Crazy About One Direction” the documentary off of channel 4, you can see how directioners were basically attacked and embarrassed in front of the world. Frankly, One Direction saved my life, on more than one occasion. So the way I see it, I have a right to be crazily obsessed about anybody. No matter if they’ve saved my life or not. So, that’s what this is all about. I want to show the public that most people have really good reasons for being “too obsessed” with their favorite artists. And this lasts until December 24th. Until Louis Tomlinson’s birthday. If I make it that long.

I haven’t listened to music in what seems to be years. I can barely get myself out of bed anymore. My mom’s worried sick because I haven’t been eating hardly at all. And yet when my sister comes home from school today, she starts ranting about how her boyfriend listens to ‘devil music’. When my mom asks her who the artists were she listed some of my favorite artists. My entire family has always refused to listen to any of my music simply because it doesn’t worship God. 

Isn’t is one of the best things in the world that people judge wonderful artists without even listening to their music? 

Just for any interested readers, the artists that my little sister listed off are: Sleeping With Sirens, Asking Alexandria, Black Veil Brides, The Ready Set, Memphis May Fire, We Came As Romans, Skillet, and Red. And also, for those of you who might not know, Red and Skillet are actually Christian bands. 

They don’t even give a chance to the music that literally saved my life.

December 24th just can’t get here fast enough.

School started today. College. I’ve never been in such a bad mood as I am now. :/